When Does the Worry End?

I am tired of worrying. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying. Max seems to be doing very well. But, his platelet count seems to be dropping. I talked to his doctor on Tuesday and he seemed very optimistic. He said that as far as he is concerned, Max's numbers are stable. Blood counts fluxuate significantly, and he told me I shouldn't worry. He was thrilled with his ANC, which has been way up. He started making plans for the end of the treatment. I felt better. Then, he had another blood test on Thursday and his counts were down again. They are not down a lot, and they are great compared to where he was from July to January, but none the less, they were down. It worries me. I am tired of being worried. Every night when Max gets ready for bed, I look him over and evaluate every bruise on his body. He is an active three year old who loves to jump and run and has what are probably the normal three year old bumps and bruises, but I end up looking at every single one of them. Do I know where this came from? Is it darker than it should be? Every sneeze, I worry. Lauren gets sick, and I worry. It is exhausting.

For the first time I really see Max getting tired of all of this, too. Thursday morning, when I was putting the numbing cream on him in preparation for the nurse's visit, he told me he didnt' want any more blood tests. He was great as usual when she was there, but at the end of the day, when I asked him if he had had a good day, he said it was a good day, but not for him, because he had had a blood test. He again told me he didn't want anymore blood tests. I didn't know what to tell him. Even in the best of cases, he is looking at several more months of tests at least once a month. He will still need to be checked multiple times a year after that. Eventually, he will go to once a year. But I don't know when that will be. He has been so strong. I wish I could tell him it will be over soon, but it won't.

Max really is doing great. He is happy and active most of the time. He loves to play in the snow and is disapointed to see it melting. He enjoys playing in the mud, too, though, and will be happy when we can start going to the zoo and the park regularly again. I have been trying to do more activities with him during the day to stimulate him. We do a lot of art, and have been baking regularly. This week, we planted some seeds for our garden. He wants to grow pumpkins and carrots and melons and corn. He really wants to grow "my very own corn." I have never planted corn so this should be an adventure. He is starting to work to learn his letters, too. It is fun to watch. He is a smart boy, and I am trying to give him opportunities to explore and learn. I don't think I am doing as well as his preschool teachers and Miss Ellen did, but I am getting there. We have fun.

I didn't get all the numbers on Thursday. The nurse called me when I was in the car and I couldn't write things down. These are from memory, and I forgot to ask for the white count.

HCT: 30
HGB: 10.9
PLT: 95
ANC: 1700